Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
Your argument isn't valid... just because I test the waters doesn't make me gay. Makes me versatile. And who doesn't love that!
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
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