you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
just tell him i said nine months
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
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