I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
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