And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
her teeth should be alot whiter from all of those blowjobs she gives
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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