i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
heading to class now, facing the weekend consquences
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
Randomize
