i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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