So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
Randomize
