i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
how drunk are you?
Several
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
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