Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
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