so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
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