My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
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