I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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