Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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