if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
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