I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
I looked at my own cervix.
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Randomize
