So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
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