wanna go halves on a baby?
he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement 😭😂
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
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