dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
Randomize
