There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.�
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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