You did that once after drunk driving from a photo shoot
That was very cool/italian of you
Which brings me to my next point, how come italians are so well adapted to drunk driving
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
