Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
Use "feeling words"
Yay
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
Randomize
