i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
I think I have vodka in my lungs
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
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