I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
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