The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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