you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
