it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"
And thats what homeschooling is for
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
Randomize
