i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
Randomize
