This is not my ceiling
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
out of nowhere you said let us see your boobs, then proceeded to pull my shirt down.
i gets down
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
In other news, I just burned my penis
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
Randomize
