did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Randomize
