it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
Randomize
