either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
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