It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
Randomize
