She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
