and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
Randomize
