Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
Pants are for mortals
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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