i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
