Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
Randomize
