90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
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