It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
a girl just showed up to class in a zip up hoddie and sweat pants. said she over slept. i guess she got hot and unzipped it , it was only then she realized was sleeping without a shirt or bra.
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
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