just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
Randomize
