I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
Randomize
