If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
Ya I guess if we compared our actions now with our actions 2 years ago. We are definitely in a constant state of shit showness.
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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