my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize
