Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Randomize
