1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
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