As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
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