Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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