fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Randomize
