but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
