Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
so then we both started to do the walk of shame and she didnt realize we had fucked in her apartment until some lady said hi to her in the elevator
you didnt stop her?
too entertaining
after we finished we were both getting water at the kitchen sink...butt naked
so?
then my sister's foreign roommate walked out...in footy pajamas
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
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