and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
THE most awkward situation I have EVER been in
Also, I just threw up a little in my mouth and had to act like everything was totally fine.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
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